I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
