I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
