All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
