Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
