i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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