I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
