I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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