we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
