so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
