he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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