i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
