I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
