i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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