Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
