Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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