how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
