So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
