The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
