apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Of course I have a pirate flag
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
