Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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