everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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