Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
