i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
