We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
