she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
