I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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