he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
