Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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