sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
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