i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
