Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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