people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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