Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
