I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize