a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
