I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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