Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
