R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
