She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
