john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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