Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just want nice things and good sex
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
