When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
