every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
