I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
