Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
