I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
