I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
All I want is dick and wine.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
