I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
