Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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