My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
