There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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