can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
