just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
