His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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