Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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