I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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