Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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