i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
