If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
